Ingredients

1-cup water
1-cup sugar
4 large eggs
1 tsp. baking soda
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp. salt
1-cup brown sugar
1/4 cup lemon juice
1-cup nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Instructions

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality. Pour 1 level cup and drink.
Beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp. sugar and boat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another cup.

Turn of the mixer. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck In the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner.
If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters_, pry it loose with a drewscrivor. 
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift the cups of salt, or something, who cares

Check the whiskey again.

Now sift the lemon juice and Strain your nuts. Add one tablespoon of sugar or something, whatever you can find. Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window.
Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?